"I need advice, and you are who I feel I can get it from. My Sir abandoned me, literally abandoned me. One minute he’s calling me an amazing girlfriend, and the next he had vanished. No good-bye, absolutely nothing. After 10 months of being his, doing as he wishes. Devoting my everything, and…
How Polyamory has Helped me and my “Little” Grow - ALolitasLife
As most of you may already know, I’m not only active in a Daddy/little dynamic, but I live and thrive in a polyamorous household. I have my husband (Hubs) which I share a very vanilla domestic relationship with (and two beautiful Minions) and then I have my DD/lg relationship with my Daddy and we all live under one roof.
Often times the different aspects of my multiple relationships seem to mix quite fluidly into one big experience. My DD/lg relationship with my Daddy is very much something we share one-on-one however, there are certainly times where aspects of my DD/lg lifestyle merge into my relationship with my husband and even my other secondary play partners and friends. For example, there are times that Hubs plays into my DD/lg dynamic with my Daddy by attempting to get me “in trouble with my Dad” or going over my head to ask my Daddy permission to play with me such as, “Vinnie, can I fuck your daughter?” and so on. With these different interactions with people who are outside of my Daddy/little dynamic with Vinnie, I have found that being able to share that part of myself with other partners not only supports my dynamic with Daddy, but has enhanced our Daddy/little dynamic and all other relationships as a whole.
I believe I have grown quite a bit since my first days exploring my Little side. I use to grip that part of myself so tightly that I could hardly share it with anyone but me. I limited my inner Little and outer interactions because I was selfish and protective of my Little side. Even in the beginning of my dynamic with Daddy, I was possessive of my Little Headspace and was so set in my ways to “only share it with myself and one other.” Although there are still parts of my DD/lg dynamic that is only to share between Daddy and me, I have grown to understand that loosening that death grip on my Little side has helped me to share deeper bonds with my other partners as well as with my friends and community. I am opening doors and letting my Little run free of my once prison of selfishness.
Polyamory has changed me in more ways than I can ever truly express. I’m becoming more open and loving and selfless. I am becoming more encouraging of limitless love and sharing vulnerabilities with those who deserve it. I’m stomping away those walls of my once tiny box of “limitations” and allowing for growth and development in whatever aspects of life and love come my way.
Most importantly, I’m sharing ME with so many people who I love dearly and allowing my different dynamics to merge and grow as one true Love.
The Reponsibilties of a Submissive.
Spend adequate time exploring yourself, your needs and desires.
Educate yourself - make the most of the resources that are available, but don’t believe everything you hear or read. Trust reputable sources, but make your own mind up about what is the truth.
Learn what your needs, desires and goal are; define them adequately. Make a list.
Learn the difference between what you need and what you desire. Sometimes you cannot have both.
Learn and understand your limitations, in depth.
Learn the safety issues of all areas of your interest. Protect yourself adequately.
Remember you have the right to “ask”.
Remember common sense, and use it.
Remember the choice to submit is not a sign of weakness it is an adult choice.
Be aware of the difference between safe, sane and consensual BDSM and abuse. Do not suffer abuse from anyone. If it is not consensual on behalf of both parties part it is abuse.
Learn how to negotiate. Don’t be afraid to ask, question and communicate.
Understand and incorporate the full meaning of safe, sane and consensual.
Continue to learn and grow.
Seek advice or assistance when you need it.
Own your feelings.
Be honest with yourself.
Respect yourself and be respectful of others who deserve of it.
Recognize that your submission is given freely and that it is not something to be taken by force. Choose wisely to whom you give.
Be patient. Growth takes time.
Accept responsibility for your own happiness and welfare.
Allow yourself adequate time for healing when you have been hurt.
Balance your submission with the other areas of your life.
Remember that you have the right to say “No”.
Never let anyone take your self-dignity away.
Like yourself, love yourself, be your own best friend.
Remember others also have agendas and they may not be the same as yours.
Don’t allow yourself to be used, unless of course, that is part of your kink.
Be careful what you wish for…you may just get it.
Communicate your needs to your partner, ask for what you desire (do not demand or expect).
Because you choose to submit to a partner does not mean you are submissive to anyone else.
Communicate your limits to your partner. Expect them to be respected.
Refuse to participate in any activity outside of your limits or that you are not ready for.
Negotiate with complete honesty and embracing the concepts of safe, sane and consensual.
Accept your partner’s limits. (Yes, Dominants have limits too.) They also have the right to say “No”.
Communicate your feelings without blame or guilt.
Be as interested in what your partner feels and says as you are in yourself.
Remember that you and your partner are human and entitled to understanding, compassion and support.
Refuse to allow yourself to be abused, be it emotionally, physically, or psychologically.
Forgive yourself and your partner for mistakes.
Ask your partner for help when you need it.
Expect respect from your partner.
Respect your partner.
Be appreciative of the gift of Domination that your partner gives to you.
Take pride and strive for excellence in your submission as you do in everyday life.
Continue to grow and learn.
Take pride in your appearance.
It is your responsibility to be of good health and to advise your partner of any change in that regard.
Listen to your partner and His/Her needs and desires.
Be willing to consider, with an open mind, what your partner suggests or requests.
Understand that it takes two to make a partnership work. Be willing to accept your share of the blame when things go wrong.
Remember that before D/s, basic humanness comes first. Know when it is time to set aside D/s and be a helper, friend, lover, husband, mother, wife or whatever.
Have realistic expectations of your partner and yourself.
This great advise was provided with permission by
SinSter1977 on Fetlife
Acousticophilia is sexual arousal from certain sounds; this can be music, the particular timbre of a voice, or what we like to call the soothing sounds of the dungeon- screaming, slapping, industrial music and sex.
Sounds can add a certain ambiance or an interesting dynamic to your sexy fun…
There is no room here for doubt, questions, uncertainty. In my absence you will know, I am there always.
If you are truly mine, your every breath, that twitch in your foot, the knots in your hair, every smile on your face, the sound of your laughter, remain always mine.
Submissive Traits - Service
Submissives often possess a deep desire and capacity to serve. They crave direction and structure, not of a mindless sort, but rather of the kind that promotes service to their Dominant; that supports being pleasing. A Dominant’s rules, protocols and rewards should be designed to enable and encourage this desire to serve, thus providing fulfillment for all involved. But it is important to understand that the desire to serve the One chosen by a submissive does not imply that they are naturally service oriented in their rest of their lives. There is often a stark contrast between the submissive’s relationship with their Dominant versus that which they have with the rest of the world. It is part of what makes the D/s bond so unique and so special that a submissive will serve their Dominant in ways they would never consider doing with or for anyone else.
In my experience submissives can at times be dominant and even domineering in their vanilla lives, including in the home and workplace. It is not uncommon for these would be submissives to be extremely controlling of their environments and the people in them as a standard practice across their lives. Sometimes this can be a reaction to people around them who are not in control of themselves, people who bring with them only chaos and instability. The response by a submissive can be a deeply rooted drive to fill that void by feeling compelled to bring some level of order and control to their lives. They themselves become controlling.
But constantly striving to be in charge and in control is exhausting over a protracted period and can leave a person feeling weary and unfulfilled. Believing you have to be in command at all times leaves no room for surrender, being cared for, pampered, the center of attention, or just able to let go. This is where D/s can be so deeply appealing. It is the one place where a submissive can shed the mantle and burdens of control and just let go for a time. By making their Dominant the center of their attention and focus, the submissive in turn becomes the center of attention for a change. They feel valued, appreciated, needed. Without wanting or meaning to sound sexist, my personal experience is that for some submissive women D/s is the one place they feel truly able to fulfill their most feminine needs and desires.
Service often plays a significant role in making this shift from control of every day life to complete submission. For a time, a submissive is no longer giving orders to everyone around them but instead is falling into their Dominant, surrendering themselves to a higher power of sorts, letting go of self and the control of others and their circumstances. They are simply “being.” Being themselves. Being feminine. Being beauty and sex. Being devotion. Being obedient. Being of service. Being pleasing. Being the epitome of love. Just being.
For a time the noise goes away, the committee between the ears quiets down, the chaos stops. For a little while all of the energy that goes into corralling the chaotic wild herd around them becomes transformed and singularly focussed on their Dominant, who is themselves anything but chaotic. Their Dominant displays control and mastery in their own life and has no need to be controlled or mastered by the submissive leaving room only for service and devotion.
The interrelationship between Dominant and submissive is complex and rarely the same from one couple to another. The motivations are often different and the manifestations of D/s highly variable. But regardless of the reasons or how they are played out, there are some common threads in these relationships and service is one of them. A submissive need not be a “service oriented submissive” (implying domestic service) to have a high degree of desire to serve. Service takes on many forms and does not have to involve doing dishes and cleaning bathrooms. It also does not have to be explicitly sexualized either, though it often is. Service can be as simple as being attentive, caring, and obedient to a Dominant. It can be signs of affection such as a head on the lap, stroking of fingers, washing a back in the shower, or a shoulder massage. Or it may not involve physical contact at all. A daily picture or note, email or video, or simply being present and attentive. If it pleases a Dominant it is service and can be deeply rewarding to the submissive’s innate drive to be pleasing.
One of the many paradoxes of D/s is the fact that what seems to the outside world like actions and deeds stemming from coercion or even oppression by a Dominant are actually a manifestation of a submissive’s own deeply rooted desire to serve. Service provided by a submissive in a healthy D/s relationship is not demanded but rather enabled by a Dominant. It is not taken from a submissive but rather is given freely and eagerly. None of this makes sense to the outside observer or the uninitiated but it is very real. A solid and healthy D/s relationship brings things out of us that we would never consider under any other circumstances, and not only makes us willing but downright eager to do them.
Service is an outward manifestation of the devotion and desire to please and be pleasing experienced by a submissive in a loving and committed D/s relationship. It is a hallmark of submissive behavior that should be nurtured and respected by a Dominant but never abused, taken advantage of, or taken for granted. A significant reward of service for a submissive is knowing that they are pleasing their Dominant and that their efforts are appreciated on a very deep visceral and emotional level and are treated with the respect and value they deserve. A Dominant’s genuine appreciation breeds an ever greater desire to serve and be of service, please and be pleasing. It is a Dominant’s responsibility to foster an environment that both enables and encourages the fulfillment of this need to serve on the part of a submissive. It is the very essence of Dominance.
The relationship between Dominant and submissive truly changes everything about us in the most remarkable and unpredictable ways. We often find ourselves surprised by what we suddenly desire and will do for one another. No one else draws this out of us like our D/s partner.
Be passionate, be appreciative, be receptive, praise openly and honestly, and a submissive will be of service to their Dominant in ways neither ever imagined possible.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2013
Image Credit Unknown
He drew a perfect circle onto white paper. He then placed a dot in its center.
I was still half asleep and slightly confused.
He patiently but purposefully traced over the circle again; the pencil barely scraping the paper this time.
'Do you see this circle?' I did not reply. I just looked at…
Q:I safe worded on my dominant for the first time last night and he didn't really understand why. So he just got frustrated and now I feel really really guilty. Should I feel guilty about it especially because I didn't know before that there was a limit for me in what we were doing at all?
First of all you don’t have to feel guilty about it.
It is perfectly okay to safe word during play session if you no longer want continue the for various reasons like panic attacks, flashbacks from past sexual abuses, hurting, feeling discomfort because of the way you have been tied and so on.
It is not the end of the world. As a dominant he has to identify what went wrong and learn from it. It is always better to ask reason from his submissive when she is ready to talk about it.
This post if for (new)dominants : “What do you do when a submissive says a safe word?”