He said..she said..a collaboration of thoughts on the essentials of submission
It is a great leap of faith to have a submissive get to a point where she can offer herself completely to another, to surrender all power and choice requires an exceptional inner strength and is the essence of blind trust. Embracing and expressing ones submissive nature can bring to one powerful opportunities to find the deepest levels of trust, power and the intimacy that can only arise from the bond between a Master and submissive. It is the ultimate expression of balance, the spiritual archetypal opposition of Yin (the relative principle) and Yang (the active principle). Both sides being perfectly equal yet together forming the perfect whole.
As a submissive, one should come before ones Master a empty glass of wine wanting to be filled..or a empty canvas to be painted a masterpiece on..formless clay to be molded…by the hands of an erotic artisan Thru this exchange, one will become more than what one was. The Master takes the raw material, the blank canvas, the unpolished gemstone and brings out the inner luster. Many may think the Master imposes His will upon His submissive but that is not true. The Master brings out the qualities of the submissive in a more pronounced way. Rather than being told to act submissive, it is the submissive’s role to remove veil after veil until who she becomes is the perfect reflection of her need to be of service and duty to her Master. She finds an inner joy and balance in knowing that with each veil removed, each boundary crossed, she is more of what she is already. When she feels, sees and hear her Masters pride in her she is elated and elevated above all other women. She has truly given the gift of her soul to Him and He in return becomes as bound to his Kajira…as she is to Him. That is the beauty of submission. The perfect zen like moment of point and counterpoint where the Master is the active principle in taking and the submissive is the relative principle in the giving. - Sir Erospainter
you carry with you and in you a profound gift..your submission.
strength, selflessness and self respect are the foundation to which one would add patience, grace and intelligence, which when combined , create a highly attuned woman who will stimulate her Dominant physically, mentally and emotionally.
Not challenge, but stimulate on all those levels.
You are both embarking upon a journey.
The development of a submissive takes time. i like to use the metaphor of a stone which begins with rough edges, and through time and the effects of winds, sand and rains, becomes a thing of sensual tactile beauty.
And so it is with a submissive.
Through time all those edges become highly polished and so sensuous , that another wishes to touch, hold, admire and prize it.
your gifts of devotion, love, admiration are the most highly sought by a Dominant.
So choose carefully and wisely.
Cherish what you are and to whom you share yourself and with whom your gifts are bestowed upon.
your gifts are to be earned through trust, love, communication and understanding.
When you come from a place of love, the level of your gift is so much more profound and with greater depth.
When you come from a place of trust, your limits will know no bounds.
When you come from a place of communication, a foundation is constructed for a solid relationship.
When you come from a place of understanding, you will come to know yourself and in doing so, will come to understand your Dominant richly.
How you choose to live your submission and to what extent you choose to submit is entirely up to you.
Limits are to be explored, tasted, and abandoned.
To abandon all limits means that you and your Dominant have established a highly attuned, trusting and loving relationship.
No one should expect you to abandon your limits immediately.
No one should expect you to give up what is inherently you.
No one should expect you to become a doormat.
No one should demand of you.
What you are sharing with your Dominant is a privilege.
There has to be mutual love & respect.
To hear your Dominant tell you that He has waited a lifetime for one such as you, is the ultimate for a submissive.
His words, thoughts and actions will further reinforce that.
you are multi-layered.
it is not just about serving ~ it is about to whom you serve.
it is not just about submitting ~ it is about to whom you choose to submit.
your patience and strength are your most enduring virtues.
develop who you are, on every level.
nurture your mind, read..and read some more, write, develop interests, have thoughts, opinions, ideas, be your own person.
physically maintain your health through exercise and diet.
expand your spirituality. believe in something.
attune yourself to nature and stand in awe of the wonder of it all.
be curious about the world around you, every beautiful facet of it.
be that woman of quality.
be that woman held in highest regard.
life is too short for quantity and not long enough for quality.
the most attractive submissive is a woman who holds herself with poise, self respect and dignity and wears her submission with powerful grace.
Exquisitely articulated and profoundly true Kajira..thank you for sharing your own personal life experiences and Point of view..had to share this with my followers..I did
Q:Sir? I was wondering how you would go about handling a sub that has problems with anxiety or extreme fears?
Patience is probably one of the most important qualities in a Dominant.
You can’t always fix everything, at least not right away. Trust takes some time to build, sometimes quite a lot of time.
Once she knows that she can trust you though, it’s amazing how much better she feels just being around you.
The funny thing is, what most people don’t realize, is that it works both ways.
1. Putting off until tomorrow what you can do today.
2. Social networking (and encouraging friends to waste time, too, by texting or messaging them, or commenting on new blog entries, photos and status updates).
3. Writing to-do lists (instead of working on the actual assignments or tasks).
4. Cleaning and tidying up (as you can’t work in a messy room).
5. Organising your work (into neat piles, coloured folders etc.)
6. Surfing the web (usually with no clear goal in mind – so it’s more of a distraction technique, or a way of relieving boredom).
7. Going in search of food; leaving your work to grab a coffee with friends.
8. Phone calls to friends (which often end up lasting longer than you’d intended).
9. Playing computer games (which can eat up a lot more time than you can afford!)
10. Exercise. (This can seem virtuous – but if it takes you away from important work then it’s more of a distraction than a proper excuse).
Goal Setting and Achievement
1. Make lists of all the possible things that you can do to take your wish forward. Include all the steps from tiny to monumental. Writing them down does not necessarily mean you have to do them all.
2. Find the one action step that jumps off the page at you. If nothing jumps off the page, choose the one that looks the easiest – the least intimidating.
3. Then do the first step you have selected.
4. Celebrate that you did something that started your process in motion.
5. Keep on going. Choose another step, and then another. Each accomplishment generates energy. Each time you generate energy with your success, use it to motivate yourself for the next challenge.
6. When you hit a snag, go back to the moment just prior to the snag. Ask yourself what happened in that sequence of moments. Then, either fix the snag by trying again, or step back and tackle something easier. It might simply be the wrong time to be tackling that specific step.
Source: Based on Carter-Scott, C. (2000) If success is a game, these are the rules. New York: Random house. (pp.97-8). Abridged.
Never forget this about a true Dominant
“A dominant completes, but never tries to alter. He must be able to see what is there, not what is missing, He receives, but never takes, commands respect, but never fear, has pride, but never arrogance. If a dominant is the centre of a submissive’s world, it is because she thinks so, not because he does. No one is respected, let alone obeyed, just coz. He’ll pick on you to see you smile but wont say a thing to make you cry. He’ll brush the hair out of your eyes, stare at you during the movies, even though he paid $8 to see it. He’ll call to say goodnight or just cause he is thinking of you. He’ll look in your eyes and tell you, you’re beautiful.”
I have been asked by many if they still qualified as a sub if they did not like a particular fetish or kink.
Think of it like this. When someone says that like the outdoors, that could mean that they enjoy hiking, rock climbing, skiing, the beach, the mountains, and/or any number of other things. They may like hiking, but be scared to death of rock climbing, yet they can still say they like the outdoors.The same can be said for D/s.Some may like extreme stuff, some may like soft stuff. Some like handcuffs, others prefer silk scarves. Some like public displays while others keep it all in the bedroom. Some like the whip while others prefer no pain at all.It isn’t so much the individual kinks that are important, it’s the mindset. One is the Dominant, the other is the submissive, perhaps you both switch, and you are having safe, sane, and consensual fun.
Q:Hullo Sir Vinne! :D i have been following You and Lolita for quite a while now. i've asked Y/you both questions before, but on different accounts [losing passwords is poopy! D:]. Here's another one though. :3 i was wondering what Your personal opinion is on "topping from the bottom / below"? Thankies so much! :D i hope You and Lolita as well as Hubs and Mouse are having a great day and having lots of innocent AND naughty fun! X3 ~ aidy
Well, hello there! As a Dom, I think “topping from the bottom / below” sucks. It’s really a cardinal sin. And I’ll tell you why.
In baseball, a cardinal sin is getting thrown out at third base or home plate while running the base paths - making a stupid base-running error. You see, with just a routine single, a runner can score from second base most often and fairly easily. So if he gets throw out at third, ummm, he’s a dumb shit.
Dominants and submissives can play their roles well, if each one does as he or she is supposed to. But now imagine that a submissive doesn’t like how a Dominant is doing something, so she starts telling him how to do things - “spank me THIS way, not that way”; “now wait, do it when I tell you.” That kind of behavior takes away the Dominant’s entire individuality and independence, his creativity to excite, entice, enthrall, engage, and enhance all the experiences that he has in mind to present to his submissive. It spoils his self-confidence and robs him of his Dom-hood.
It’s like Juliet in Romeo and Juliet telling Romeo how to woo her. After a while, Romeo can just sigh and say, “okay okay, Jules. Listen, I got this friend Hamlet, maybe you wanna meet him.”
Topping from below - bad move. Don’t do it. On the other hand, it’s a fairly good novel, if you haven’t heard of it!
Thanks for the well wishes. We ALWAYS have naughty fun. I don’t think “innocence” dares enter our house anymore. :)
Write anytime at all.
- Daddy Vinnie
10 Tips to Help You Deal with Social Challenges involving Put-downs
If you feel like you’ve been bullied through people saying bad things about you or trying to challenge your intelligence, here are 10 tips that might be helpful:
1. Ignoring. Sometimes, not saying anything back is actually a powerful comeback. It shows the other person what they’ve said is weak and that you are not fazed.
2. Selective Responding. Sometimes, the other person may say a bunch of negative things to you, some things being more emotionally triggering than others. Being able to control your emotions, pay attention to their weakest point and tackle it. Turn the table around and make them look like a fool. By responding selectively, you also show that you are devaluing/invalidating the other comments.
3. Invalidation. Speaking of invalidation, this is applied when you prove the other’s person’s point wrong, flawed or insignificant. To show that something is insignificant to you, you usually just ignore the comment or pretend that you are unfazed.
4. Questioning. Questioning is a very powerful technique because it gets the other person thinking without you really showing that you’re affected. For example, if they say ‘you suck,’ you can reply back, ‘what exactly do you mean?’ instead of the usual non-effective replies like ‘get lost.’ However, use questioning only if you seriously have time to really deal with this individual and really want to get back at their head.
5. Mask Your Emotions. I know that being put down can really make you really upset because I’ve had personal experiences of this, but the key is not to show that you are bothered emotionally. When you show that you are upset or angry, it could make you look weak in front of everyone. Being emotional while arguing points can discredit a lot of things you say. Instead, you want to focus solely on their statements and tackle those.
6. Agreeing to Disagree. This is almost like sarcasm except it’s not. This is when you agree with their put down and then say something more witty back. For example, if someone says ‘you are not smart,’ you can say ‘Sure, but you aren’t either.’ By saying something that agrees with their statement actually puts you on the top because it invalidates what they’d said since you are clearly showing you’re not affected or too bothered to deny or defend (what shouldn’t be defended).
7. Sarcasm. Sarcasm is powerful as well, because it could be used to make the other person look dumb if they don’t get it and it also can be used to invalidate their statements.
8. Humor. Not all put down are meant to make you feel upset or angry. Sometimes friends put you down to tease you or test you and you should be able to use humor to make the conversation more entertaining. For example, if you could sarcasm or agreeing to disagreeing which are always fun.
9. Replying out of context. You know those times when people just go on and on and you’re not really listening? Well, to show that, you could be like ‘so.. speaking of ice-cream..’. Something that is a different topic or not related really to what they’d said shows that you have not listened. Pretty much, the other person’s wasted their breath.
10. Get the crowd involved. If you’re bold enough and think you’re capable, get the crowd involved such as speaking really loud so everyone can hear your point and notice what’s going on. This might intimidate the other person.
Disclaimer: These tactics are not to be used as a mean to hurt others back, but to maintain your own face, to stimulate an interaction, or for your own purposes. . For more insightful advice, you might want to consider reading: The Four Agreements.
Many of you asked me how to deal with over-thinking so I asked you guys back about it and some of your tips for dealing with it. I’ve based this short article on many of your responses and hope that it helps in some ways.
How would you define over thinking?
Even though we each have our own experiences, I think this captures the essence of your responses of what over thinking is:
Over thinking is when we think too much about something especially a problem causing us to lose sight of the big picture. Often times, we may find ourselves thinking too much to the point that we become delusional, complicating a problem, creating a problem that is not there, or/and making ourselves feeling anxious and worried. Over thinking also causes us not to be able to enjoy a normal experience.
Synthesizing: “So it seems like there are really three different issues going on here, which are…” Summarizing, which is what many people do, is boring and tedious to the other person. Synthesizing shows you are listening but goes further and adds value through big-picture thinking.
Active listening: Interjecting “OK, Uh huh, that’s right, I see” to communicate that you are paying attention.
Non-verbal listening: Using your body and eyes to show you are completely focused on the other person. Avoid “tells” like looking at your watch, letting your eyes wander around the room, and so on.
Echoing: Repeating the last word spoken. Client: “So as a result, there’s very high attrition.” You: “Attrition.” Client: “Yes, we think it’s well above the industry average. In fact, last year we lost 20% of the sales force.” You: “20%” Client: “Well, some of it was uncontrollable attrition like retirements, but…” *
Disclosure: “I know what you mean—two years ago I also missed a major family event due to a deadline at work…” Sharing your own experiences, in a non-condescending manner, can create a more intimate and meaningful dialog. If you are interested in the psychology of this, look up the “Johari Window,” devised by Ingham and Luft . The idea is that mutual disclosure—not one person talking and the other simply listening—leads to empathy and understanding.